The whole theme of this blog is about being REAL. Tonight I had a really good example of how I used to be much more real than I am now and feel okay about it.
We went to a restaurant in town and I drink very, very weak Bacardi and Diet Cokes which I like in a huge glass. The tallest biggest one they have. The place we went to had perfect water glasses which were exactly right for my drink. We have been served on other occasions and all has been well. Tonight we were meeting one of my friends Cindy there to have a drink with her and her new man there who is the manager. We were waiting for Cindy and I went up to say hello to Jerry and we had a wee chat, so he knew we were there and that Cindy would be there soon.
When I went back to our table, my request for my drink came back denied. What? So, I went to speak to Jerry thinking it was just the wait person being difficult or not understanding what I needed.
But no! It seems there was an issue with it being in a plastic glass. I can see that if you give in on something for one person, it sets a precedence. But I had been there before and there had never been a problem. Also, the rule was to stop people wandering off down the street with alcohol in their plastic glasses. But given he knew us and were there to eat and with my best friend who he knows, this seemed a bit redundant. So, was he willing to accommodate me anyway and step over a rule but use common sense? Was he able to give me a break because I was Cindy’s friend? No.
I was left shaking my head in disbelief. What? It was like dealing with some officious little nobody who gets his kicks out of making peoples lives miserable and difficult just so he had a little bit of control in his out of control horrible world. He wasn’t willing to accommodate me at all! What happened to customer service? To common sense? To anything resembling humanness?
So, we walked out. I returned my drink saying it was undrinkable which it was and which he seemed surprised about??! Even though I had clearly explained I could not drink it that strong. I went back to Aaron at the table and he said, “No,” this is not okay, let’s go.” We walked out.
Why eat and drink somewhere that could not even give us a simple drink. We then had to go and tell Janie that we would not be meeting her for a drink. Very awkward and icky all round. We left and went off to another restaurant in town where, excuse my sarcasm they were more than happy to give us anything we wanted and we had a fantastic meal and drinks.
Okay, so here’s what bugged me with it all. Instead of walking out and feeling justified and disgusted with this restaurant. I felt guilty...
Ugh.
That is what got me about tonight in the end. That I felt GUILTY. I felt like a rotten egg for putting Janie on the spot. I felt like a dirty rotten scoundrel for wanting basic customer service. Whoa, back up here Buttercup as Cindy would say. I felt guilty. What in gods name is wrong with this statement? I felt wrong because I asked for something perfectly reasonable and they weren’t willing to give basic customer service?!
What is wrong with this picture?
Lots of things.
It occurred to me as I discussed it with Aaron that I have become far too apologetic in my life. I have stopped being real and straight forward. Most people like me or liked me because I was always so blunt and straight up. Now here I am, feeling guilty over someone else’s bad behavior. Ugh. I felt bad that I might have put Cindy on the spot. I felt bad for waling out. I felt bad for not just going along with this awful customer service. I bet though that Jerry didn't feel bad about his behavior. So, why was I feeling like the bad person here?
Aaron and I both agreed that I have to stop apologizing and start being real again and being okay with it. My twin Donnie also noticed this about me when I came home to the island last year. I apologized for everything! Who was I anymore? What did I stand for? Did I stand for anything? Or had I PC’d myself out of existence — again.
In the end it comes down to being real and not being afraid to be real and alive.
One of the subjects that had come up a lot lately is the whole drug thing and drug addiction. Why are so many people numbing themselves and escaping? Why is nobody willing to feel any more? How much is the drug thing a wider analogy of how unreal we are all getting.
Why, in another PC and not ‘wanting to offend’ moment did I not stand up for myself the other day when a neighbor I barely know from Adam, who I think treats his dogs terribly and ergo, I shouldn’t be trying to impress him. Why then, when he asked if I smoked, did I say, no, but I used to. Like this was some password into the ‘cool’ club. The fact is, I loathe drugs, I think they’re boring and vapid. So, what made me be ‘cool,’ and instead of saying my usual scathing retort very sarcastically with a ‘what are you, a moron face,’ and an “Uh… NO, I grew up!”
I instead supported his world.
What made me want to try and gain respect from someone I don’t know, barely like and couldn’t care less about?
It seems to come down to the guilt factor again. On some level I would have felt ‘guilty’ about not agreeing with this idiot. I made his world okay and him okay but in the process I made myself wrong. And that is not okay. That is bullshit. And if I want to be real and get back to all of me, then I have to start standing up for myself and what I feel and think again. I have to start being real, even if no-one approves.
Because the one person that has to like me in the end — is — me.
I realise that getting back to the real me is one of the things I want to manifest in my life right now. And it seems that I am manifesting lots of situations that give me the perfect opportunity to practice doing just that.
Now, I just have to do it. Oh boy. Stay tuned...
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