Trusting the Feeling

We are on Day 3 to 4 of the 'situation,' and I am clearer on things and what I want but no more resolved with my friend in person.

It occured to me yesterday when it was still buzzing around my head that I had to listen to MY feelings and what I was picking up and to trust that. I realised that I had a constant ping, ping, ping going on with my radar to do with the whole situation. The Incident as it will now be know as, because it's a pain to keep writing it. (TI for short.)

TI was still bothering me but not on a real emotional level so much, as on a spiritual or energy level. I could hear the pinging but couldn't initially pin it down, so I asked the Guides to show me what it was about. They immediately flashed on Jerry for me. When I looked into it further, I realised that he was causing me some major pings on my radar. At the end of the day, the energy of him just didn't sit well with me and I had to go with the feeling that there's sometihng not right here.

So, why was this bothering me? Because I had gone over and over and over... (ad nausuem) in my head what happened in TI. I'd checked it with Aaron and with Donnie my twin just in case I HAD had a spectacular case of TI amnesia and had perhaps altered facts in my head. But it seemed I hadn't. I can trust both of these men to tell me when I'm being unreasonable - they have no qualms about this whatsoever - thank god.

So, it seemed that while it was pretty unpleasant all round and not an ideal situation for my friend and Jerry who are just getting to know each ohter - it was also a very real indication of what he was like as a person. And from my talk prior to TI and after TI - it didn't add up to a pretty picture that my friend was going to go out with and was defending so heavily. The hardest thing for me in all of this is to know that what I was picking up about him is correct. I have read his photo, met with him in person and heard things about him from my friend and nothing in those visits indicates anything other than what I am feeling.

Which brings me back to my friend... Right now he looks dazzling and great. Even though she did have pause on the phone when Aaron said that the service with the original wait staff was really rude, then to add Jerry to the mix. She said he had been very gracious and accomodating to us, which Aaron let her know he hadn't been, he had been officious and unaccomodating. He lied about it being a law regarding the glass. It's a house rule, descretion of the manager usually works on those ones. He lied about offering the other drink and we had not stormed out. (hard to storn out when you've had a baseball injury that day and can only hobble.) She had to get off the phone very quickly after that. And we have not spoken since. Sigh.

And I don't think it will be worked out any time soon.

There are a lot of elements to this that just don't work for me. And being real is the new black for me - so I am sticking to my guns even though it's not very nice on many levels.

a) I'm highly unimpressed that on a virtual strangers say-so, she took his word for TI, rather than ringing me to get my side of things. And continues to do so. What kind of friend is this really?

b) Even if we agreed that maybe his side wasn't all it's cracked up to be, and maybe she was a bit hasty - that leaves the fact that I don't like this guy and never will. I know what I feel about someone. I have been 'blessed' (sometimes it doesn't seem so) with a lie detector inbuild radar and I'm not enjoying the pings and red flags I'm picking up.

So, at the end of the day. I am having to follow my own feelings on this. Yes, I agree it was embarassing and unfortunate that we had TI right when she was getting to know him. The timing was a little off. Or was it? Were Janies guides or mine trying to get everyones attention. Was this an early warning system that wasn't listened to?

It has left me with a feeling that really I didn't have that good a friend to start with and also her anger seemed out of proportion to TI (given I've NEVER seen her that angry at anyone.) And so... was this is the real incident that has enraged her or do I enrage her? Is this a series of things that I do that piss her off and it's finally come to a head? And it's come out in one big I HATE YOU.

She is not a person to 'rock the boat.' Does my 'rocking the boat' push buttons? I'm sure it does. I"m not a PC person or a smile at all costs person. I'm working on being real here. Not being real costs me way too much.

So, this might have 'cost' me a friendship at the end of the day. But I have to ask if the friendship was 'worth it' and whether she actually valued me as a friend because it seems she probably didn't. And I owe it to myself to not have people like that in my life. And to keep trusting my feelings and what I am picking up even if it's 'not very nice,' or pushes buttons for people.

I am glad I am keeping it real for me though. It's a good feeling and makes me feel clearer within myself. It makes me feel much more in sync and in tune with myself and THAT is a fantastic feeling.

So... er... thanks... I think.