The main theme of this blog is about being real.And the last week has been un-real - once again. I have found myself being irritatingly polite to someone and being not real for the sake of? What? That's the thing. I don't even know why I am being so nauseatingly unreal.
It started with the whole Cindy thing and hasn't really improved at all. After the 'sorry' conversation - things were very stilted and stiff between us. And the awful thing was that I didn't really care. Reviewing a million things that have passed - I realised that this friendship wasn't a good friendship on lots of levels and wasn't one I wanted to continue.
I think part of me felt like a 'bad egg' for wanting to 'unceremonioiusly' dump off a long term friendshp, which might explain why the next time I rung her for her birthday - I was sooooooooooooo polite and enthusiastic??! Ugh. It was not what I was feeling or wanting to say. I reasoned it was her birthday. But then talked to her TWICE that day.
The next day realsing it wasn't really what I was wanting. I played passive-aggressive and didn't answer her phone calls. Oh god. She rung me at 11.30 while I was at the hairdressers - which was late to ring me for a review of the date the night before. So... I didn't ring her back for HOURS. She then rung again and I didn't answer again but then felt bad, so called her as she was walking out the door for work. We had a quick chat and she told me that Aarons green card was at her place, did he want to pick it up. Immigration can be a bit slow on changing addresses etc. All was 'good.' She said she would call me about the date the next day.
It's now been 3 days and not a word.
Thank god.
Ugh.
What a shambles.
The stupid thing is that my sense of it - is that she doesn't want to have any more to do with me - than I do with her. And the whole reason she drives me crazy is that she is so unreal and not rock the boat. And here I am doing EXACTLY that with this ridiculous dance we have been doing for 2 weeks now?! My god, what a fiasco. I suspect that the chirpiness on her birthday had to do with having had a few drinks. So, what made me do the Pavlovian response thing and be all perky and enthusiastic with it when I wasn't feeling that way at all?
That need to please can be soooooo irritating!
So, we are now at the stalemate stage with it again and I really need to make a firm decision to cut things off. I'm not interesteed in a slow wind down of the relationship until everyone feels rightly justified that it just 'died a natural death.' That seems like more bullshit and unrealness.
I think writing about this, I realise I feel like a bit of a shit for not hanging in there more, or trying to make it work more or something. Does years of friendship not count for something? I guess the truth is: that I feel the years of friendship for her - DON'T count for anything. And then to add into that, my own things that lately I have not been very impressed by and getting a bit done with - well, it's kind of killed it dead in the water for me.
I feel shallow.
There you are it. I feel like a shallow vapid flip someone off without a backward glance type of person. The truth is: I'm not that way. What happens for me is that I take way too much unhealthy stuff for way too long (without saying a jolly word!) and then one day - I simply go - I'm done - stick a fork in me! So, it looks like I make a two second decision, when in reality it's been brewing for quite a while.
Which brings up the next Ouch factor of working on being more real. It's time to stop being so damn 'nice' and say what IS on my mind, rather than letting things build and irritate me until the point where I just say - Fuck you - I'm done. Because that's not very healthy either or very real. Which brings me to my next unreal moment. Ugh. It just goes on and on at the moment.
I guess I am really getting the PhD course in being real. Cos after all - I have just been doing my BS for a long long time.
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