And what DOES my last post have to do with being real?
Is all this stuff we cart around the world a part of me that I really need or want? Is it real?
I don't have any answers on this yet.
On past posts on being real - I am still undecided where I am at with some things. I still have not really resolved the issue with Cindy in any REAL way. I have mostly just avoided the whole issue and peer at my cell phone window when someone rings to see if I should answer it or not. It's hardly a solution. Although avoidance works wonders for some people. It's never been my strong suit - avoidance - that is.
One of the things that has made me think is that Aaron is currently home/back in New Zealand and visiting all our friends there. One of our friends (you know who you are :-)) mentioned to Aaron that she didn't really know why I was friends with Cindy to start with. And what a good question. It really made me think - thanks C. And the anwswer to that is: I don't know. C said that we seem so different and the truth is - we are.
So, did someone change? Or has nobody changed and the glue that bound - has come unstuck - as it were?
Thanks C for pointing this question out and noticing the differences because up until then, I had been feeling quite guilty about the whole thing. It feels much more natural to end a friendship when you have a flaming row and do the 'fuck yous' and what a so and so that person is - than when you just realise one day tha's it's not right and you want to quietly extricate yourself. It feels 'unjustified' on some level. Like maybe you are just being 'difficult.'
Thanks to C's observatioin I realised that when I first met Cindy - things were quite different. I was different for a start. My life has changed, I have changed, my values have changed and the way I see the world on many levels has changed. There really isn't much common ground at all. So, it's not very surprising that our friendship isn't working very well any more.
And it would be lovely if we could all come to the conclusion at the same time and go, "Well look, thanks so much, it's been great, I've really enjoyed it but it's time to move on now, things have changed, good luck in your life, I wish you well, take care, bye."
But alas, it rarely works that way.
Oh to be a cat. Cats don't spend a lot of time psychoanalysing their feelings. They get to a done stage, they belt someone across the ear, rip a long talon down their nose and hiss off. When they're done, they're done.
Perhaps part of being real is recognizing when you are done and being okay with that. Acting accordingly and then not whipping out the cat-o-nines afterwards on myself for a bit of guilt inducing anxiety.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Help - I'm being attacked by the box war!
Okay, this is entirely my OWN fault. I am a natural hoarder and collector - a real bower bird. Ooh, shiny object, shiny object, must have for my nest!!!
As some of you know, we have just moved home to HI with our usual 20ft container packed to the gunnels. I am currenlty surrounded by 32 boxes here in my office alone and I'm not EVEN exaggerating. Mores the pity! If only!
I wish I could start culling out some of my stuff! I LOVE the idea of being a minimalist - however... I have a passionate love of art and books. I DO go through my books every so often but really, in truth, that is just to make room for all the new ones I've bought. New bookcases mysteriously sprout in our house. And as for art... well, every so often, I get a piece that just doesn't work for me any more but... again, it's usually been replaced by 2 others - so the culling is a bit of a non event.
And then.... Aaron and I both love to cook - so the kitchen has every jolly thing known to chefs since time immemorial. God forbid that there will not be the right platter or glassware for settings or plating - arghhhhhhh. :-) At least, I am not a clothes junkie as well. Although - shoes... I realised talking to a friend the other day that really what I need is a big house that is the 'warehouse' house and then a couple of 1 bedroom places that I can run away to when I just want the simplicity feature.
And herein lies the current confusion for me. What DO I really want? Do I truly want things thinned out. Do I really want a one bedroom cabin? Could I really live without all this 'stuff.' What is the answer?
On the one hand, the thought of say being able to pack our stuff into a 10ft container say - laid out - not jigsaw packed and have room to move - feels so liberating. The thought of having a one bedroom place and that's it - is so very refreshing. While part of me hated living in a studio garage Ohana - part of me - loved it. Things were so simple! What I could see from our bed was IT! I feel burdened here in this big house with it's million of boxes and 'stuff.' Just looking around my office - makes me sigh hearterly.
And I am overwhelmed by it all. And not really enjoying it. At all.
So, what is the answer. The truth is: I LOVE books and art and kitchen stuff. There's also a part of me hankering for simplicity. One of my best friends Donnie has one coffee cup to his name. I understand this principle. There's him and nobody else - why would he say have 22, which is about what we have. Again, what's frightening is that I'm not even exaggerating. Argh. Now, perhaps I'd be amply prepared if say we had to hold a funeral tea here and there would be ample coffee cups to go around without hiring some. Although in truth, I would hope that any funeral I catered for - was more into gallons of alcohol. But still - I'm prepared obviously for this unlikely eventuality... Hmmm.
And I could cope better at having a toss out if I simply had lots of shoddy rubbishy coffee cups with chips out of them and dings and they were boring and passed down from Great Auntie Flo who bought them cheap at Woolies 50 years ago. Not antique - just old. But they're FUN coffee cups! How do you get rid of fun coffee cups. How do you cull fun things?
This is the question...
I realised today that the whole unpacking thing was completely overwhelming me. And I'm not enjoying it at all. Not helped by knowing that we have only rented this house for 6 months and thinking that in 4 months time, it will be pack up time - again. So, rather than go stark raving mad and starting to toss unopened boxes on the street with a free sign on them. I have decided that I will only unpack the books in my office that I REALLY like. The ones I read every year, the ones I look up stuff in, the ones I simply enjoy seeing their spines etc. (I'm hoping there are a big quantity left that remain in the boxes.) These will then be taken to the garage and marked with a 2. 2 means they are a secondary box and are not a total necessity to be unpacked.
This still does not really solve the problem.
I know some people who rotate their art but I am essnetially too lazy to do that and I pretty much love everything I hang anyway.
So, it seems that my only real way to deal with this is:
a) Buy a big house that I NEVER want to sell and thus can act as a warehouse/musuem/archives type place.
b) buy one bedroom places in gorgeous spots that will grab my short attention span for at least a couple of months at a time.
c) eventually hire someone else to look after all the bills many places generate.
d) try to not outbuy the pace of the one bedrooms
e) hire a personal packer who is even more anal than me about packing things up and keep them on retainer.
f) Hire a huge Winnebago and Aaron, Leo and I will simply run away in it.
There's only so much you can put in a Winnebago after all.
As some of you know, we have just moved home to HI with our usual 20ft container packed to the gunnels. I am currenlty surrounded by 32 boxes here in my office alone and I'm not EVEN exaggerating. Mores the pity! If only!
I wish I could start culling out some of my stuff! I LOVE the idea of being a minimalist - however... I have a passionate love of art and books. I DO go through my books every so often but really, in truth, that is just to make room for all the new ones I've bought. New bookcases mysteriously sprout in our house. And as for art... well, every so often, I get a piece that just doesn't work for me any more but... again, it's usually been replaced by 2 others - so the culling is a bit of a non event.
And then.... Aaron and I both love to cook - so the kitchen has every jolly thing known to chefs since time immemorial. God forbid that there will not be the right platter or glassware for settings or plating - arghhhhhhh. :-) At least, I am not a clothes junkie as well. Although - shoes... I realised talking to a friend the other day that really what I need is a big house that is the 'warehouse' house and then a couple of 1 bedroom places that I can run away to when I just want the simplicity feature.
And herein lies the current confusion for me. What DO I really want? Do I truly want things thinned out. Do I really want a one bedroom cabin? Could I really live without all this 'stuff.' What is the answer?
On the one hand, the thought of say being able to pack our stuff into a 10ft container say - laid out - not jigsaw packed and have room to move - feels so liberating. The thought of having a one bedroom place and that's it - is so very refreshing. While part of me hated living in a studio garage Ohana - part of me - loved it. Things were so simple! What I could see from our bed was IT! I feel burdened here in this big house with it's million of boxes and 'stuff.' Just looking around my office - makes me sigh hearterly.
And I am overwhelmed by it all. And not really enjoying it. At all.
So, what is the answer. The truth is: I LOVE books and art and kitchen stuff. There's also a part of me hankering for simplicity. One of my best friends Donnie has one coffee cup to his name. I understand this principle. There's him and nobody else - why would he say have 22, which is about what we have. Again, what's frightening is that I'm not even exaggerating. Argh. Now, perhaps I'd be amply prepared if say we had to hold a funeral tea here and there would be ample coffee cups to go around without hiring some. Although in truth, I would hope that any funeral I catered for - was more into gallons of alcohol. But still - I'm prepared obviously for this unlikely eventuality... Hmmm.
And I could cope better at having a toss out if I simply had lots of shoddy rubbishy coffee cups with chips out of them and dings and they were boring and passed down from Great Auntie Flo who bought them cheap at Woolies 50 years ago. Not antique - just old. But they're FUN coffee cups! How do you get rid of fun coffee cups. How do you cull fun things?
This is the question...
I realised today that the whole unpacking thing was completely overwhelming me. And I'm not enjoying it at all. Not helped by knowing that we have only rented this house for 6 months and thinking that in 4 months time, it will be pack up time - again. So, rather than go stark raving mad and starting to toss unopened boxes on the street with a free sign on them. I have decided that I will only unpack the books in my office that I REALLY like. The ones I read every year, the ones I look up stuff in, the ones I simply enjoy seeing their spines etc. (I'm hoping there are a big quantity left that remain in the boxes.) These will then be taken to the garage and marked with a 2. 2 means they are a secondary box and are not a total necessity to be unpacked.
This still does not really solve the problem.
I know some people who rotate their art but I am essnetially too lazy to do that and I pretty much love everything I hang anyway.
So, it seems that my only real way to deal with this is:
a) Buy a big house that I NEVER want to sell and thus can act as a warehouse/musuem/archives type place.
b) buy one bedroom places in gorgeous spots that will grab my short attention span for at least a couple of months at a time.
c) eventually hire someone else to look after all the bills many places generate.
d) try to not outbuy the pace of the one bedrooms
e) hire a personal packer who is even more anal than me about packing things up and keep them on retainer.
f) Hire a huge Winnebago and Aaron, Leo and I will simply run away in it.
There's only so much you can put in a Winnebago after all.
Monday, August 16, 2010
I am not a love, peace and jingle bells Metaphysician!!!!
I have a kneejerk reaction to someone I have met for the first time, who barely talked to me, who doesn't know me at all - giving me a goodbye hug and saying she felt like she'd met a soul sister.
Ugh. Yeuch.
How unreal can you be?
I understand that sometimes you meet someone for the first time and you just click. You talk for ages and it's a great meeting of the minds. You are both joyously feeling like you've met someone great. But this was bullshit.
This is a airy-fairy 'spiritual' style doesn't work for me.
My issue with it is that I played along with it??!
I met this person who I was keen to meet, as I'd heard about her and apparently she was keen to meet me. Someone spiritual where we live - new people - same interests. Excellent. However, she barely talked to me and she might have asked me all of 2 questions about myself. I asked her things for a while and I felt like I was holding a gun to her head to answer me. In the end, I gave up. I realised that I had made a good effort and there no was no conversation flow or interest there at all.
Okay, sometimes that happens.
But then to do this soul sister thing at the end and I went along with it!!! That is just awful. What made me DO that? Again, that insidious politeness thing? Bloody ridiculous! If I get anymore unreal - I won't have to worry about losing weight - I'll be a cardboard cutout of myself and have no substance to me anyway!
The whole 'love, peace and jingle bells' branch of metaphysics just doesn't work for me. I have met a few people in my time, who do this and you can FEEL the peace and serenity coming off them. But most people in this branch of mets. come across as airy-fairy not real people. Who don't deal with their emotions or anything else for that matter because they are so busy trying to be love, peace and jingle bells. It's bullshit.
I guess in a weird way, I"m a 'practical' metaphysician. I don't mind waving fairy dust around if it produces results. But otherwise, it is fun but not real for me.
I have always been like this in metaphysics. Years ago when I was first starting out, I used to read with a bunch of women I called the White Witches. They taught me all sorts of great things like channelling and how to read and be connected to Guides etc. We used to read different modalities to keep ourselves in practice and we used to read tea leaves which are a good way to get into straight energy reading, rather than interpretive reading. i.e. this is the 3 of hearts, so there is some heartbreak here type of thing.
One of the women there occasionally got sick of our leader Susies airy-fairyness. Susie was the original version of Madame Zelda but had good knowledge to pass on, if you know what I mean. Every so often we would read tea leaves and Rhonda would go nuts with the 'spiritualness' of things and read things like: "Oh my god.... oh my god... you won't believe what I see in this teacup... " We are all crowding in now, waiting on baited breath for her words of wisdom. She's then say: "Oh my god.... I see.... (pause0 tea leaves in this cup." Then she'd triumpantly put the cup down and look at all of us.
I'd usually burst into laoughter and Susie would get all bristly and offended that Rhonda was NOT taking this seriously!!!
But I understood what Rhonda was getting at and what she was doing. And she was probably what I'd call a 'practical' met as well. I want my metaphysics to work and produce results - otherwise what's the point.
And I want other mets to be real as well - otherwise, what's the point.
And I want ME to be real as well - otherwise, what's the pont.
I certainly am getting the whole BE REAL workout here.
Are we having fun yet? :-)
Ugh. Yeuch.
How unreal can you be?
I understand that sometimes you meet someone for the first time and you just click. You talk for ages and it's a great meeting of the minds. You are both joyously feeling like you've met someone great. But this was bullshit.
This is a airy-fairy 'spiritual' style doesn't work for me.
My issue with it is that I played along with it??!
I met this person who I was keen to meet, as I'd heard about her and apparently she was keen to meet me. Someone spiritual where we live - new people - same interests. Excellent. However, she barely talked to me and she might have asked me all of 2 questions about myself. I asked her things for a while and I felt like I was holding a gun to her head to answer me. In the end, I gave up. I realised that I had made a good effort and there no was no conversation flow or interest there at all.
Okay, sometimes that happens.
But then to do this soul sister thing at the end and I went along with it!!! That is just awful. What made me DO that? Again, that insidious politeness thing? Bloody ridiculous! If I get anymore unreal - I won't have to worry about losing weight - I'll be a cardboard cutout of myself and have no substance to me anyway!
The whole 'love, peace and jingle bells' branch of metaphysics just doesn't work for me. I have met a few people in my time, who do this and you can FEEL the peace and serenity coming off them. But most people in this branch of mets. come across as airy-fairy not real people. Who don't deal with their emotions or anything else for that matter because they are so busy trying to be love, peace and jingle bells. It's bullshit.
I guess in a weird way, I"m a 'practical' metaphysician. I don't mind waving fairy dust around if it produces results. But otherwise, it is fun but not real for me.
I have always been like this in metaphysics. Years ago when I was first starting out, I used to read with a bunch of women I called the White Witches. They taught me all sorts of great things like channelling and how to read and be connected to Guides etc. We used to read different modalities to keep ourselves in practice and we used to read tea leaves which are a good way to get into straight energy reading, rather than interpretive reading. i.e. this is the 3 of hearts, so there is some heartbreak here type of thing.
One of the women there occasionally got sick of our leader Susies airy-fairyness. Susie was the original version of Madame Zelda but had good knowledge to pass on, if you know what I mean. Every so often we would read tea leaves and Rhonda would go nuts with the 'spiritualness' of things and read things like: "Oh my god.... oh my god... you won't believe what I see in this teacup... " We are all crowding in now, waiting on baited breath for her words of wisdom. She's then say: "Oh my god.... I see.... (pause0 tea leaves in this cup." Then she'd triumpantly put the cup down and look at all of us.
I'd usually burst into laoughter and Susie would get all bristly and offended that Rhonda was NOT taking this seriously!!!
But I understood what Rhonda was getting at and what she was doing. And she was probably what I'd call a 'practical' met as well. I want my metaphysics to work and produce results - otherwise what's the point.
And I want other mets to be real as well - otherwise, what's the point.
And I want ME to be real as well - otherwise, what's the pont.
I certainly am getting the whole BE REAL workout here.
Are we having fun yet? :-)
The bullshit factor is getting a bit high
The main theme of this blog is about being real.And the last week has been un-real - once again. I have found myself being irritatingly polite to someone and being not real for the sake of? What? That's the thing. I don't even know why I am being so nauseatingly unreal.
It started with the whole Cindy thing and hasn't really improved at all. After the 'sorry' conversation - things were very stilted and stiff between us. And the awful thing was that I didn't really care. Reviewing a million things that have passed - I realised that this friendship wasn't a good friendship on lots of levels and wasn't one I wanted to continue.
I think part of me felt like a 'bad egg' for wanting to 'unceremonioiusly' dump off a long term friendshp, which might explain why the next time I rung her for her birthday - I was sooooooooooooo polite and enthusiastic??! Ugh. It was not what I was feeling or wanting to say. I reasoned it was her birthday. But then talked to her TWICE that day.
The next day realsing it wasn't really what I was wanting. I played passive-aggressive and didn't answer her phone calls. Oh god. She rung me at 11.30 while I was at the hairdressers - which was late to ring me for a review of the date the night before. So... I didn't ring her back for HOURS. She then rung again and I didn't answer again but then felt bad, so called her as she was walking out the door for work. We had a quick chat and she told me that Aarons green card was at her place, did he want to pick it up. Immigration can be a bit slow on changing addresses etc. All was 'good.' She said she would call me about the date the next day.
It's now been 3 days and not a word.
Thank god.
Ugh.
What a shambles.
The stupid thing is that my sense of it - is that she doesn't want to have any more to do with me - than I do with her. And the whole reason she drives me crazy is that she is so unreal and not rock the boat. And here I am doing EXACTLY that with this ridiculous dance we have been doing for 2 weeks now?! My god, what a fiasco. I suspect that the chirpiness on her birthday had to do with having had a few drinks. So, what made me do the Pavlovian response thing and be all perky and enthusiastic with it when I wasn't feeling that way at all?
That need to please can be soooooo irritating!
So, we are now at the stalemate stage with it again and I really need to make a firm decision to cut things off. I'm not interesteed in a slow wind down of the relationship until everyone feels rightly justified that it just 'died a natural death.' That seems like more bullshit and unrealness.
I think writing about this, I realise I feel like a bit of a shit for not hanging in there more, or trying to make it work more or something. Does years of friendship not count for something? I guess the truth is: that I feel the years of friendship for her - DON'T count for anything. And then to add into that, my own things that lately I have not been very impressed by and getting a bit done with - well, it's kind of killed it dead in the water for me.
I feel shallow.
There you are it. I feel like a shallow vapid flip someone off without a backward glance type of person. The truth is: I'm not that way. What happens for me is that I take way too much unhealthy stuff for way too long (without saying a jolly word!) and then one day - I simply go - I'm done - stick a fork in me! So, it looks like I make a two second decision, when in reality it's been brewing for quite a while.
Which brings up the next Ouch factor of working on being more real. It's time to stop being so damn 'nice' and say what IS on my mind, rather than letting things build and irritate me until the point where I just say - Fuck you - I'm done. Because that's not very healthy either or very real. Which brings me to my next unreal moment. Ugh. It just goes on and on at the moment.
I guess I am really getting the PhD course in being real. Cos after all - I have just been doing my BS for a long long time.
It started with the whole Cindy thing and hasn't really improved at all. After the 'sorry' conversation - things were very stilted and stiff between us. And the awful thing was that I didn't really care. Reviewing a million things that have passed - I realised that this friendship wasn't a good friendship on lots of levels and wasn't one I wanted to continue.
I think part of me felt like a 'bad egg' for wanting to 'unceremonioiusly' dump off a long term friendshp, which might explain why the next time I rung her for her birthday - I was sooooooooooooo polite and enthusiastic??! Ugh. It was not what I was feeling or wanting to say. I reasoned it was her birthday. But then talked to her TWICE that day.
The next day realsing it wasn't really what I was wanting. I played passive-aggressive and didn't answer her phone calls. Oh god. She rung me at 11.30 while I was at the hairdressers - which was late to ring me for a review of the date the night before. So... I didn't ring her back for HOURS. She then rung again and I didn't answer again but then felt bad, so called her as she was walking out the door for work. We had a quick chat and she told me that Aarons green card was at her place, did he want to pick it up. Immigration can be a bit slow on changing addresses etc. All was 'good.' She said she would call me about the date the next day.
It's now been 3 days and not a word.
Thank god.
Ugh.
What a shambles.
The stupid thing is that my sense of it - is that she doesn't want to have any more to do with me - than I do with her. And the whole reason she drives me crazy is that she is so unreal and not rock the boat. And here I am doing EXACTLY that with this ridiculous dance we have been doing for 2 weeks now?! My god, what a fiasco. I suspect that the chirpiness on her birthday had to do with having had a few drinks. So, what made me do the Pavlovian response thing and be all perky and enthusiastic with it when I wasn't feeling that way at all?
That need to please can be soooooo irritating!
So, we are now at the stalemate stage with it again and I really need to make a firm decision to cut things off. I'm not interesteed in a slow wind down of the relationship until everyone feels rightly justified that it just 'died a natural death.' That seems like more bullshit and unrealness.
I think writing about this, I realise I feel like a bit of a shit for not hanging in there more, or trying to make it work more or something. Does years of friendship not count for something? I guess the truth is: that I feel the years of friendship for her - DON'T count for anything. And then to add into that, my own things that lately I have not been very impressed by and getting a bit done with - well, it's kind of killed it dead in the water for me.
I feel shallow.
There you are it. I feel like a shallow vapid flip someone off without a backward glance type of person. The truth is: I'm not that way. What happens for me is that I take way too much unhealthy stuff for way too long (without saying a jolly word!) and then one day - I simply go - I'm done - stick a fork in me! So, it looks like I make a two second decision, when in reality it's been brewing for quite a while.
Which brings up the next Ouch factor of working on being more real. It's time to stop being so damn 'nice' and say what IS on my mind, rather than letting things build and irritate me until the point where I just say - Fuck you - I'm done. Because that's not very healthy either or very real. Which brings me to my next unreal moment. Ugh. It just goes on and on at the moment.
I guess I am really getting the PhD course in being real. Cos after all - I have just been doing my BS for a long long time.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Are you there my Guides? I need a sign please.
Yesterday I was in a funky I hate my life, what am I doing, will anything be okay space. Ugh. I hate those ones. That's a good time to ask the Guides for a sign or set of signs to cheer you on a bit.
I have no off switch on my brain. It is the bane of my life. Along with having Venus in Pisces! It makes me a hopeless obsessive romantic. It also means that where other people can have something bothering them and put it out of their mind - I can't. People say 'helpful' things like: "Just keep yourself busy, take your mind off it." You're joking - right? It plays ad nauseum through my brain like a loop, driving me completely potty with the whole thing. If there was an off switch, if I could reach behind my head and flip the switch - I would.
So, what has been looping for me is the money thing. I know if I pull my energy into a clear space, I'll be fine with it. But currenlty I'm looping myself and terrorizing myself with the thought I'll be broke, come lunchtime Monday as SW would say. Of course, this is clearly UNTRUE. However, my brain is stressing about it.
This is when some divine intervention from the Guides REALLY does help.
I asked my Guides. "Hi Guides, can you please give me a clear visual physical sign easily recognized by me in the next 24 hours, if we will win or get lots of money coming to us ? So, I can stop worrying and making things worse energetically, thanks."
You put this out to the Guides/Universe/God (whatever you call your helper) and let it go. Then be aware of when a sign crosses your path and not dismiss it as 'sheer coincedence' (there is no such thing.)
Anyway - voila!
The Guides really did some great stuff today. We decided to go over to Hilo to see the Orchid show. I had gotten an email from someone this morning about her new book and went to have a look at it. Hers didn't grab me but two other books did and I ordered them from Amazon. I thought they might get my head into a better space. We set off and stopped at the gas station and as we drove in, I was thinking about the books and there was a truck with the plate 'PUEO' on it. Excellent! Pueo means owl in Hawai'ian which means way-shower and is always a huge direction indicator for me. Good, I was on the right path then.
We continued over to Hilo and on the way down into Hilo, I wanted to show Aaron the waterfalls. We had trouble finding the road and ended up at Boiling Pots first, instead of Rainbow Falls. No matter, we were going to see them anyway. As we drove down the road, the car was making a funny squeaking noise. Aaron said, "I know how to fix that," and turned on the radio. To our delight, the Winslow Arizona song came on - officially called 'Take It Easy' by the Eagles. We both exclaimed over this as the Guides have been playing pieces of the song to me for about 2 weeks now.
Take it easy
Take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
And take it easy
Well, I'm standin' on a corner in Winslow, Arizona
We laughed, as this has been a 'lead' song now for a couple of weeks and we have NOT heard it on the radio in all that time. I guess the Guides were trying to get our attention with that squeak. We pulled into the car park, and we parked right next to a car that I didn't take much notice of until we got back from the view of the falls. On the back of the car, was the sticker 'Goods Gonna Happen.' Yes! There's my sign, right after the Winslow, AZ song! Then I noticed that on the gas tank lid, there was a honu and white feather - both powerful things for me. Excellent! Thanks Guides I said. That's a good set of signs. :-)
I knew then that the money would come and we would be okay. Nice clear signs and lots of them.
But more was to come.
We went to the Orchid show and the whole show had a theme running - JACKPOT. There were trays of money and dollar signs everywhere. And one of my favorite orchids - what I call the yellow Singapore 'crunchie' was in a huge carpet display. Just as I was about to shoot that, I noticed above it that there was another wall display made from Ti leaves and things. When I looked up at it properly, I saw it was a Phoenix bird! Wow. And above that was a slot machine and the words Jackpot OMG. Phoenix for me is also another power symbol - the Phoenix rising from the ashes. Aaron is my Phoenix. I had been looking for him for ages and kept hearing Phoenix but didn't know what it went with. When I met him, I realised he was the Phoenix and the area we bought our house in was jam packed with Phoenix Palms. Ah, got it.
And the whole show was on this Jackpot theme - winning, being lucky and so on. Everything seemed to be 'blaring' signs at me. We were very taken with one orchid and it turned out to be called 'lucky stirke.' And on it went.
If I had any doubts, then today, for once, my brain has quietened down and I can trust that we are going to be okay and looked after.
Last night, when I was talking to the Guides, I asked them what I was doing here in HI. I know on some gut level I'm supposed to be here but energetically, it is not quite right for us in the long term. Ivana - my head Guide, said I was here to learn to trust again. To know I am always looked after and that everything is happening for a reason. :-) I know this too on some internal soul level and I'm going to be okay with that - for now. Tomorrow may be another day!
But right now, I know that we got some pretty hefty signs today and that I just have to 'take it easy, don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.'
I once got 'shut down' in Winslow, AZ on a road trip from MI to CA when the highways were covered in snow and ice and they closed the higways until they could get it cleared. We were divinely looked after there, every step of the way. From getting the last hotel room in town, before they started filling up the churches etc, to running into a Ryder guy who told us what to do, so we wouldn't get charged extra to the most amazing help when we got stuck on the ice coming out of Flagstaff.
Thanks Guides.
I have no off switch on my brain. It is the bane of my life. Along with having Venus in Pisces! It makes me a hopeless obsessive romantic. It also means that where other people can have something bothering them and put it out of their mind - I can't. People say 'helpful' things like: "Just keep yourself busy, take your mind off it." You're joking - right? It plays ad nauseum through my brain like a loop, driving me completely potty with the whole thing. If there was an off switch, if I could reach behind my head and flip the switch - I would.
So, what has been looping for me is the money thing. I know if I pull my energy into a clear space, I'll be fine with it. But currenlty I'm looping myself and terrorizing myself with the thought I'll be broke, come lunchtime Monday as SW would say. Of course, this is clearly UNTRUE. However, my brain is stressing about it.
This is when some divine intervention from the Guides REALLY does help.
I asked my Guides. "Hi Guides, can you please give me a clear visual physical sign easily recognized by me in the next 24 hours, if we will win or get lots of money coming to us ? So, I can stop worrying and making things worse energetically, thanks."
You put this out to the Guides/Universe/God (whatever you call your helper) and let it go. Then be aware of when a sign crosses your path and not dismiss it as 'sheer coincedence' (there is no such thing.)
Anyway - voila!
The Guides really did some great stuff today. We decided to go over to Hilo to see the Orchid show. I had gotten an email from someone this morning about her new book and went to have a look at it. Hers didn't grab me but two other books did and I ordered them from Amazon. I thought they might get my head into a better space. We set off and stopped at the gas station and as we drove in, I was thinking about the books and there was a truck with the plate 'PUEO' on it. Excellent! Pueo means owl in Hawai'ian which means way-shower and is always a huge direction indicator for me. Good, I was on the right path then.
We continued over to Hilo and on the way down into Hilo, I wanted to show Aaron the waterfalls. We had trouble finding the road and ended up at Boiling Pots first, instead of Rainbow Falls. No matter, we were going to see them anyway. As we drove down the road, the car was making a funny squeaking noise. Aaron said, "I know how to fix that," and turned on the radio. To our delight, the Winslow Arizona song came on - officially called 'Take It Easy' by the Eagles. We both exclaimed over this as the Guides have been playing pieces of the song to me for about 2 weeks now.
Take it easy
Take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
And take it easy
Well, I'm standin' on a corner in Winslow, Arizona
We laughed, as this has been a 'lead' song now for a couple of weeks and we have NOT heard it on the radio in all that time. I guess the Guides were trying to get our attention with that squeak. We pulled into the car park, and we parked right next to a car that I didn't take much notice of until we got back from the view of the falls. On the back of the car, was the sticker 'Goods Gonna Happen.' Yes! There's my sign, right after the Winslow, AZ song! Then I noticed that on the gas tank lid, there was a honu and white feather - both powerful things for me. Excellent! Thanks Guides I said. That's a good set of signs. :-)
I knew then that the money would come and we would be okay. Nice clear signs and lots of them.
But more was to come.
We went to the Orchid show and the whole show had a theme running - JACKPOT. There were trays of money and dollar signs everywhere. And one of my favorite orchids - what I call the yellow Singapore 'crunchie' was in a huge carpet display. Just as I was about to shoot that, I noticed above it that there was another wall display made from Ti leaves and things. When I looked up at it properly, I saw it was a Phoenix bird! Wow. And above that was a slot machine and the words Jackpot OMG. Phoenix for me is also another power symbol - the Phoenix rising from the ashes. Aaron is my Phoenix. I had been looking for him for ages and kept hearing Phoenix but didn't know what it went with. When I met him, I realised he was the Phoenix and the area we bought our house in was jam packed with Phoenix Palms. Ah, got it.
And the whole show was on this Jackpot theme - winning, being lucky and so on. Everything seemed to be 'blaring' signs at me. We were very taken with one orchid and it turned out to be called 'lucky stirke.' And on it went.
If I had any doubts, then today, for once, my brain has quietened down and I can trust that we are going to be okay and looked after.
Last night, when I was talking to the Guides, I asked them what I was doing here in HI. I know on some gut level I'm supposed to be here but energetically, it is not quite right for us in the long term. Ivana - my head Guide, said I was here to learn to trust again. To know I am always looked after and that everything is happening for a reason. :-) I know this too on some internal soul level and I'm going to be okay with that - for now. Tomorrow may be another day!
But right now, I know that we got some pretty hefty signs today and that I just have to 'take it easy, don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.'
I once got 'shut down' in Winslow, AZ on a road trip from MI to CA when the highways were covered in snow and ice and they closed the higways until they could get it cleared. We were divinely looked after there, every step of the way. From getting the last hotel room in town, before they started filling up the churches etc, to running into a Ryder guy who told us what to do, so we wouldn't get charged extra to the most amazing help when we got stuck on the ice coming out of Flagstaff.
Thanks Guides.
A resolution happens but I feel cautious
In case anyone was wondering what happened in the situation with Cindy. Much to my surprise, she called me and sorted it out with me. She was sincerely apologetic and didn't want there to be bad feelings between us.
I also got to really say all the things I didn't get to say the other day and not leave anything out.
I appreciated all of this a lot.
So, why am I feeling so hohum with it and cautious? Just a natural outcome of what happened? Or do I have some reservations on other levels now?
Currently I'm not too sure. I do know though that I'm glad that I stood up for myself, was real, followed my feelings and didn't back down. This made me feel so much more human than I've been feeling for awhile and that's a very nice feeling at the end of the day.
So... at the very least, I am clear on being real. Now, if I can just do it with some of the other people in my life - that would be sooooooo nice.
Stay tuned.
I also got to really say all the things I didn't get to say the other day and not leave anything out.
I appreciated all of this a lot.
So, why am I feeling so hohum with it and cautious? Just a natural outcome of what happened? Or do I have some reservations on other levels now?
Currently I'm not too sure. I do know though that I'm glad that I stood up for myself, was real, followed my feelings and didn't back down. This made me feel so much more human than I've been feeling for awhile and that's a very nice feeling at the end of the day.
So... at the very least, I am clear on being real. Now, if I can just do it with some of the other people in my life - that would be sooooooo nice.
Stay tuned.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Trusting the Feeling
We are on Day 3 to 4 of the 'situation,' and I am clearer on things and what I want but no more resolved with my friend in person.
It occured to me yesterday when it was still buzzing around my head that I had to listen to MY feelings and what I was picking up and to trust that. I realised that I had a constant ping, ping, ping going on with my radar to do with the whole situation. The Incident as it will now be know as, because it's a pain to keep writing it. (TI for short.)
TI was still bothering me but not on a real emotional level so much, as on a spiritual or energy level. I could hear the pinging but couldn't initially pin it down, so I asked the Guides to show me what it was about. They immediately flashed on Jerry for me. When I looked into it further, I realised that he was causing me some major pings on my radar. At the end of the day, the energy of him just didn't sit well with me and I had to go with the feeling that there's sometihng not right here.
So, why was this bothering me? Because I had gone over and over and over... (ad nausuem) in my head what happened in TI. I'd checked it with Aaron and with Donnie my twin just in case I HAD had a spectacular case of TI amnesia and had perhaps altered facts in my head. But it seemed I hadn't. I can trust both of these men to tell me when I'm being unreasonable - they have no qualms about this whatsoever - thank god.
So, it seemed that while it was pretty unpleasant all round and not an ideal situation for my friend and Jerry who are just getting to know each ohter - it was also a very real indication of what he was like as a person. And from my talk prior to TI and after TI - it didn't add up to a pretty picture that my friend was going to go out with and was defending so heavily. The hardest thing for me in all of this is to know that what I was picking up about him is correct. I have read his photo, met with him in person and heard things about him from my friend and nothing in those visits indicates anything other than what I am feeling.
Which brings me back to my friend... Right now he looks dazzling and great. Even though she did have pause on the phone when Aaron said that the service with the original wait staff was really rude, then to add Jerry to the mix. She said he had been very gracious and accomodating to us, which Aaron let her know he hadn't been, he had been officious and unaccomodating. He lied about it being a law regarding the glass. It's a house rule, descretion of the manager usually works on those ones. He lied about offering the other drink and we had not stormed out. (hard to storn out when you've had a baseball injury that day and can only hobble.) She had to get off the phone very quickly after that. And we have not spoken since. Sigh.
And I don't think it will be worked out any time soon.
There are a lot of elements to this that just don't work for me. And being real is the new black for me - so I am sticking to my guns even though it's not very nice on many levels.
a) I'm highly unimpressed that on a virtual strangers say-so, she took his word for TI, rather than ringing me to get my side of things. And continues to do so. What kind of friend is this really?
b) Even if we agreed that maybe his side wasn't all it's cracked up to be, and maybe she was a bit hasty - that leaves the fact that I don't like this guy and never will. I know what I feel about someone. I have been 'blessed' (sometimes it doesn't seem so) with a lie detector inbuild radar and I'm not enjoying the pings and red flags I'm picking up.
So, at the end of the day. I am having to follow my own feelings on this. Yes, I agree it was embarassing and unfortunate that we had TI right when she was getting to know him. The timing was a little off. Or was it? Were Janies guides or mine trying to get everyones attention. Was this an early warning system that wasn't listened to?
It has left me with a feeling that really I didn't have that good a friend to start with and also her anger seemed out of proportion to TI (given I've NEVER seen her that angry at anyone.) And so... was this is the real incident that has enraged her or do I enrage her? Is this a series of things that I do that piss her off and it's finally come to a head? And it's come out in one big I HATE YOU.
She is not a person to 'rock the boat.' Does my 'rocking the boat' push buttons? I'm sure it does. I"m not a PC person or a smile at all costs person. I'm working on being real here. Not being real costs me way too much.
So, this might have 'cost' me a friendship at the end of the day. But I have to ask if the friendship was 'worth it' and whether she actually valued me as a friend because it seems she probably didn't. And I owe it to myself to not have people like that in my life. And to keep trusting my feelings and what I am picking up even if it's 'not very nice,' or pushes buttons for people.
I am glad I am keeping it real for me though. It's a good feeling and makes me feel clearer within myself. It makes me feel much more in sync and in tune with myself and THAT is a fantastic feeling.
So... er... thanks... I think.
It occured to me yesterday when it was still buzzing around my head that I had to listen to MY feelings and what I was picking up and to trust that. I realised that I had a constant ping, ping, ping going on with my radar to do with the whole situation. The Incident as it will now be know as, because it's a pain to keep writing it. (TI for short.)
TI was still bothering me but not on a real emotional level so much, as on a spiritual or energy level. I could hear the pinging but couldn't initially pin it down, so I asked the Guides to show me what it was about. They immediately flashed on Jerry for me. When I looked into it further, I realised that he was causing me some major pings on my radar. At the end of the day, the energy of him just didn't sit well with me and I had to go with the feeling that there's sometihng not right here.
So, why was this bothering me? Because I had gone over and over and over... (ad nausuem) in my head what happened in TI. I'd checked it with Aaron and with Donnie my twin just in case I HAD had a spectacular case of TI amnesia and had perhaps altered facts in my head. But it seemed I hadn't. I can trust both of these men to tell me when I'm being unreasonable - they have no qualms about this whatsoever - thank god.
So, it seemed that while it was pretty unpleasant all round and not an ideal situation for my friend and Jerry who are just getting to know each ohter - it was also a very real indication of what he was like as a person. And from my talk prior to TI and after TI - it didn't add up to a pretty picture that my friend was going to go out with and was defending so heavily. The hardest thing for me in all of this is to know that what I was picking up about him is correct. I have read his photo, met with him in person and heard things about him from my friend and nothing in those visits indicates anything other than what I am feeling.
Which brings me back to my friend... Right now he looks dazzling and great. Even though she did have pause on the phone when Aaron said that the service with the original wait staff was really rude, then to add Jerry to the mix. She said he had been very gracious and accomodating to us, which Aaron let her know he hadn't been, he had been officious and unaccomodating. He lied about it being a law regarding the glass. It's a house rule, descretion of the manager usually works on those ones. He lied about offering the other drink and we had not stormed out. (hard to storn out when you've had a baseball injury that day and can only hobble.) She had to get off the phone very quickly after that. And we have not spoken since. Sigh.
And I don't think it will be worked out any time soon.
There are a lot of elements to this that just don't work for me. And being real is the new black for me - so I am sticking to my guns even though it's not very nice on many levels.
a) I'm highly unimpressed that on a virtual strangers say-so, she took his word for TI, rather than ringing me to get my side of things. And continues to do so. What kind of friend is this really?
b) Even if we agreed that maybe his side wasn't all it's cracked up to be, and maybe she was a bit hasty - that leaves the fact that I don't like this guy and never will. I know what I feel about someone. I have been 'blessed' (sometimes it doesn't seem so) with a lie detector inbuild radar and I'm not enjoying the pings and red flags I'm picking up.
So, at the end of the day. I am having to follow my own feelings on this. Yes, I agree it was embarassing and unfortunate that we had TI right when she was getting to know him. The timing was a little off. Or was it? Were Janies guides or mine trying to get everyones attention. Was this an early warning system that wasn't listened to?
It has left me with a feeling that really I didn't have that good a friend to start with and also her anger seemed out of proportion to TI (given I've NEVER seen her that angry at anyone.) And so... was this is the real incident that has enraged her or do I enrage her? Is this a series of things that I do that piss her off and it's finally come to a head? And it's come out in one big I HATE YOU.
She is not a person to 'rock the boat.' Does my 'rocking the boat' push buttons? I'm sure it does. I"m not a PC person or a smile at all costs person. I'm working on being real here. Not being real costs me way too much.
So, this might have 'cost' me a friendship at the end of the day. But I have to ask if the friendship was 'worth it' and whether she actually valued me as a friend because it seems she probably didn't. And I owe it to myself to not have people like that in my life. And to keep trusting my feelings and what I am picking up even if it's 'not very nice,' or pushes buttons for people.
I am glad I am keeping it real for me though. It's a good feeling and makes me feel clearer within myself. It makes me feel much more in sync and in tune with myself and THAT is a fantastic feeling.
So... er... thanks... I think.
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